Category: Sardonic Side

In the aftermath of the GOP’s selection of New York City for the 2004 Republican Convention, these thoughts:

*Would Gov. Jeb Bush have tried harder for the GOP convention had it been Miami vying for it? Yes, that’s a rhetorical question.

*You don’t have to be a cheerleader or chamber of commerce mole to resent some of the local punditry that passed for analysis of the selection decision. NYC is America’s pre-eminent city and worthy of a national political convention, even, presumably, a Republican one. Finishing runner-up, however, doesn’t relegate Tampa to comparative “dump” status, as one sour-butt columnist sarDANically noted.

*Let’s see how the “War on Terrorism” plays out over the next two years. There’s a chance that bin Laden will still have Judge Crater status, and that we haven’t seen the last of high-profile, terrorist atrocities on our own soil. Graphic “Ground Zero” reminders and drumbeat retrospectives might not play as well in 2004 as Karl Rove anticipates.

*The GOP going to NYC is like the Dixiecrats going to Harlem.

*The GOP last won New York state in 1984. Regardless of Karl Rove’s recent track record, this gambit is a windmill tilt. We knew Ronald Reagan. George W. Bush is no Ronald Reagan. Rove should know that too.

*NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg put up big bucks and will still be in office in ’04. Dick Greco couldn’t write a big check and won’t be around to see this through. It mattered.

By almost any other name, a streetcar station is a streetcar station. Except if that name were “Mons Venus.” Thus, did Tampa Historical Streetcar turn down the station-naming request of adult entertainment gadfly Joe Redner — and the much-needed $150,000 fee that would have accompanied it.

According to THS, female body parts were well within the erroneous zone of impropriety. The streetcars’ policy was taken directly from that of HARTline, the system’s operator, which reserves the right to reject ads based on its own sense of taste.

HARTline spokesman Ed Crawford — presumably with a straight face — elaborated by noting that “Turgid Erect Member Station” would similarly have been rejected. Thanks, Ed. Now we really get it. Presumably, “Velvet Cave” wouldn’t have passed muster either. Ditto for a Streetcar Station Named (Triangle of) Desire.

The controversial Redner feigned incredulity over the banned-body-part provision. “I don’t know how they distinguish that from eye, foot, nose or ear,” he deadpanned.

Unless Redner wants to push “Foot Fetish,” he may want to consider going co-op to get his way and retool some old Mons’ signage. Remember “Talk About Your Bush Gardens”?

Next year marks the centennial celebration of the Gasparilla parade. If Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla has its way — and it almost always does — 2004 will also commemorate something else: the Krewe’s own culture of self importance. That would be underscored if YMK follows through on its mandate to ban all other krewes who deign to dress as pirates for this quintessentially pirate-themed event.

As parade founders, organizers and longtime benefactors, YMK deserves its share of civic thanks for what has become Tampa’s signature event. An appropriate response would be “You’re welcome” not “cease and desist.”

It’s tantamount to rubbernecking at a traffic accident. It’s those incessant, insipid lists that are end-of-year media staples. From the practical “Top Uses for Duct Tape” and the pretentious “Most Outrageous Sauvignon Blancs” to the pointless “Best ‘Reality TV’ Moments” and the pederastic “Worst Priests of ’02.” Whether out of simple curiosity or sheer voyeurism, we seemingly can’t help ourselves.

Exhibit A: the recent Gallup poll ostensibly determining America’s “most admired” woman.

The predictable winner: Hillary Rodham Clinton, who might not have been her husband’s first choice. Predictable first and second runners-up: First Hostess Oprah Winfrey and First Lady Laura Bush.

But here’s what rewards the voyeur in us all. Jennifer Lopez, who ranked sixth, finished ahead of Elizabeth Dole and Condoleeza Rice.

But it could have been worse, as it were. The late Mother Teresa is no longer eligible to finish behind J-Lo.

Among the social experiments and policies in our schools that I don’t pretend to understand is the one on absences. I won’t even get into how many more religious holidays and related excused-absence days surely loom.

The case in point here is prompted by Eid al-Ftr, the Muslim celebration that marks the end of Ramadan. Students who have missed this day have regularly received excused absences. Nothing new in that. The real news is that such students will no longer have that absence count against their attendance record. That’s important because students with exemplary, especially perfect, attendance records can avail themselves of a major perk. They can be exempted from semester exams.

The exam-exemption policy, implemented in 1999-2000, was designed to improve attendance. And it’s been of some help. Average high school attendance, for example, exceeded 93 percent last year. That’s an increase of about 2.5 percentage points from the pre-exemption era. And it’s a factor in figuring a school’s grade on the state report card.

Arguably, however, it’s also a factor in the hefty hike — 74 percent from 1998-99 to 2001-02 — in school clinic visits by students showing up sick. Encouraging students to put in a cameo when ill is not a healthy — or pedagogically sound — policy.

I know I’m na

This is in reply to the reader who wrote regarding my noting a recent University of South Florida milestone: the salary of football coach Jim Leavitt surpassing that of USF President Judy Genshaft.

Babe Ruth was once asked how he justified making more money than the president of the United States (Herbert Hoover). “I had a better year,” responded Ruth.

* Mayor Dick Greco’s recent talk to the Tampa Bay Tiger Bay Club was vintage tour de Greco. It was meandering and sentimental, corny and humorous. The World, According to Greco. And it’s always an interesting, often entertaining take. When he steps down in March, it will end an era rather than a last term.

Who else, in this high-tech, information age, could get a laugh line out of not being able to turn on a computer? Who else would have admitted to Joe Redner that “I wish I made as much money as you do”? Who else would, especially in this town, maintain that “anybody can change,” and be referring to Fidel Castro? Who else would still be defending the handling of the Steve LaBrake travesty? Who else with his prominence and impact would respond to a legacy question with: “A good guy who did his best; end of story”? Who else would have characterized his post mayoral plans as “Keep busy and make money”? Who else would have chided the media by saying, “We in government have checks and balances; the media doesn’t”? And who else would have admitted to telling Frank Sanchez: “I wouldn’t do it (if I were you)”? And then suggesting he pass on the mayoral plans to max out now on his “earning opportunities”?

Ironically, his remarks — with a heavy emphasis on media commentary — were subsequently chronicled in the St. Petersburg Times . The Tribune didn’t cover it. The page 3, Local News, SPT piece carried a “Nostalgic Greco Settles Scores With The Press” headline. It portrayed Greco as a lame duck whiner. The following day, columnist Mary Jo Melone lamented that the Tiger Bay Club attendees — ostensibly “political junkies” — “let him get away with his delivery of bromide after bromide.” The crowd was further excoriated for sitting “contentedly through this bilge.”

On the subject of the media, perhaps Greco should have summarized with: “You have all now heard my comments across a whole litany of subjects, including how the press has changed — and not always for the better. Whatever your opinion of me and this presentation, compare it to what is reported or implied in the press over the next couple of days. And see if you remember being here.

“That’s what it’s like these days.”

* If New York City wins the Republican convention for 2004, it will have won it on merit. It is America’s greatest city. It is also the site of George W. Bush’s greatest moment — in the immediate aftermath of the terrorist attack. So enough of the snide, sophomoric criticisms of Tampa. That includes John Miller of the National Review who noted that while beaches are nice, the Devil Rays’ sorry status is indicative of how poorly this area fares when compared to NYC’s star power. If New Orleans, the other GOP convention finalist, were more viable than Tampa, would Miller be pointing out that the “Big Sleazy” didn’t even have a baseball team? Miller even noted that Tampa is the “home of that NFL team that used to wear those silly orange uniforms.” Grow up and stop citing professional sports franchises — and their uniforms — as indicative of anything other than a city’s worthiness for an overpriced entertainment outlet.

Miller, of course, makes the point that the home of “Ground Zero” is too symbolically important to overlook. Good point, but here’s another. Sept. 11, 2001 will never be forgotten no matter where the next GOP convention is held. But do we — in 2004 — want a week’s worth of tragedy retrospectives and victim updates? That would be an inevitable part of the week-long package, no matter how patriotic and inspiring the rhetoric from Madison Square Garden. If the focus is on the future, without forgetting the past, Tampa works just fine for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with the Rays or Bucs.

The criticism is provincially nauseating, however, when it comes from Orlando, which prefers the Disney crowd to political conventioneers who have their own funny hats and would usurp some of their hotel space. An Orlando Sentinel piece said Tampa wasn’t much more than a “picturesque waterfront and stately, but small downtown.” It doesn’t have, for example, the “gritty politics of Chicago or the swagger of New York.” So? That means cadavers can’t vote, and we’re not obnoxious. Our apologies, please. By the way, the Jets and Giants would trade records with the Bucs in a New York nanosecond. Orlando, of course, doesn’t have a football franchise to exchange records with.

* Bumper stickers you may yet see:

“It IS About ISlam.”

“Iraq: Show us yours or we’ll show you ours.”

* Speaking of Iraq, how is it that we’ve gotten so familiar with Saddam Hussein that he is routinely referenced by his first name? Don’t recall American leaders or media ever referring to Adolph, Benito or Josef.

* Talk about your paper chase. You knew Iraq wasn’t being forthcoming with its U.N. Security Council requirements’ disclosure when it took 12,000 pages to say, “No, we don’t have any (weapons of mass destruction).” And as it turns out, that may have been a 12,000-page lie.

* ABC and the rest of the national media rightfully remembered and eulogized Roone Arledge . He was a true media pioneer and innovator who earned his plaudits for having pushed TV’s envelope. And ABC, understandably, was the lionization king

Granted, Florida GOP Chairman Al Cardenas has to be tactful when commenting on Tampa’s chances of landing the 2004 Republican Convention. He is, after all, a member of the executive committee of the Republican National Committee. It would be provincially poor form — and counterproductive — to cheerlead for Tampa.

Having said that, what was Cardenas thinking — or smoking — when he told the St. Petersburg Times that a downside in Tampa’s bid was the priority use of some 5,000 volunteers. “You just have to weigh and balance the positives and the concerns,” he said. “Five thousand volunteers at the convention — when they could be manning the phones and knocking on doors — is a legitimate concern.”

Huh? Campaign grunt work really doesn’t kick in fully until after the convention. And what better way to energize the troops than having them play an important role in hosting the GOP convention?

And wouldn’t New York have the same ostensible “problem” as well?

At any rate, wouldn’t you love to be privy to the initial small talk on Monday when Cardenas accompanies Dick Greco, Al Austin and Dick Beard to Washington? That’s when “Loose Lips” Al and the three amigos spin Tampa for the final time for the GOP Site Selection Committee.

“Hey, Al, looks like we could come up short on our volunteer commitment. Any way you could, say, distribute maps at TIA? And would you mind donning a pith helmet and helping reactionary old ladies board the Mons Venus trolley for the Poynter Palace?”

It’s the story that won’t go away. Yet another landowner decides that a big, old oak tree is incompatible with house-building plans in a leafy, South Tampa neighborhood. Latest was the flap about a couple wanting to remove a 50-year old live oak over an allergy issue. Predictably enough, immediate neighbors were outraged, took their case to the Variance Review Board — and won.

But here’s the part that makes even less sense than cutting down a half-century old tree in Ballast Point, where the neighborhood association motto is “Where Grand Oaks Meet The Bay.”

Suppose the tree-cutting couple had won? Now they have to live there — amid all the other oaks and a bunch of neighbors resentful of their insensitive, oak-chopping presence among them. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Like most everyone else, I didn’t exactly pour over every political mailing and ad I was privy to. But I must admit being taken aback by this one. It was an ad in the Tribune on behalf of (defeated) County Circuit Judge candidate Woody Isom. There were a half dozen boxes comparing Isom and Monica Sierra; all, of course, favorable to the more experienced Isom.

This one hit home: “Jury Trials Over Career”: Isom 60+, Sierra 0. Is it too much to expect that you’ve at least tried a case before a judge before becoming one? Shouldn’t a judgeship be more of a career capstone than stepping stone?