Assault Weapons Upshot

            Here’s the good news: Not all niches of the economy are adversely affected by the recession.

Here’s the bad news: Gun dealers are among the most immune.

            The upshot: Assault weapons have never been more popular.

            The reason: A fear that President Obama will enact a ban on assault weapons.

 

            The rationale: Both Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden “support making the expired federal Assault Weapons Ban permanent, as such weapons belong on foreign battlefields and not on our streets.”

            The reality: If you need a weapon capable of firing 600-800 rounds per minute, you are much more of a concern than any ban that has nothing to do with handguns, rifles or shotguns.                                                    

Signs Of The Times

            Ever feel like an alien in your own culture?

Maybe it’s the gratuitous tattoos and piercings.

Or coming frightfully close to a Vice President Palin.

Ever find yourself talking to yourself because your presumed “listener” was iPodding away?

Why is there a market for rap – or anything dealing with Paris Hilton? Why would anyone seemingly need directions when it comes to wearing a baseball cap or boxer shorts? Why are the adjustments of one’s privates considered choreography?

Or what qualifies as a mainstream movie anymore?

First things first. I have no intention of seeing the hit movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” directed by Kevin Smith. But I have read the reviews, including those in the local media. I found them illuminating – as well as disturbingly reinforcing. To wit:

            Daily: “There has always been a perverse romanticism to Smith’s bodily function jokes, and irreverence in his lovelorn characters…This is a shockingly funny movie…If you’re easily offended by gratuitous profanity, sexuality and scatology, stay away from ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno.’ Its rambunctious raunch will incite laughter – or a parade of uptight viewers to the exits.” Grade: A

            Alternative Weekly: “It’s hard to recall any single film that’s been this pervasively foul…The characters speak in waves of profanity, engaging in frequent and detailed discussions of sex of all kinds (but mostly the anal variety)…Despite all the potty humor, the film is really a rather sweet and conventional romantic comedy…Smith’s writing is just as gloriously juvenile as ever.”

            I know I’m “edgy”-challenged – and just don’t get it. And may that never change.

            Speaking of gross, the most recent listing of the highest-grossing films at North American theaters shows that “Zack and Miri” is ranked fourth – at $21 million – after two weeks in release.

Signs Of The Super Bowl

You can always tell when another Tampa Super Bowl is imminent. The sprucing up of downtown gets serious, and there’s typically a civic project or two hurrying to completion. The new Tampa Bay History Center, for example, should open in time, and new restaurants at SkyPoint will be ready and Massey Park has been renovated and reopened.

The signs for Tampa’s Super Bowl XLIII, however, are more literal than usual. That’s because the city is also installing 166 blue, directional signs so drivers and pedestrians can maneuver their way away around downtown. That will ensure that visitors won’t, for example, find themselves misdirected to streets that are no longer two-way or to destinations that have relocated.

And they won’t be the only new downtown signage. All downtown parking garages will also have spiffy new blue signs.

And speaking of signs, here’s a suggestion – actually a reiteration of an earlier one. What about that (welcome to the) “City of Champions” sign that greets all those exiting Tampa International Airport? It properly projected civic pride when Tampa’s Super Bowl, Stanley Cup and Arena Bowl wins were fresh memories.

But this will be 2009 – and the last of those fast-fading triumphs was the Lightning in 2004. True, there was a recent World Series runner-up, but that team played in St. Petersburg.

No, we’re not living in the past, and this is a proud sports market. But that won’t stop out-of-town media from spinning it otherwise. Count on it.

Then, again, if the Bucs are actually in the Super Bowl…

Managing Success

     Imagine, Joe Maddon is the American League’s Manager of the Year, and Lou Piniella, the Tampa native who preceded Maddon as Rays’ manager, is the National League’s Manager of the Year after a very successful season with the Chicago Cubs.

     How ironic – and how misleading. Joe Maddon could have managed the deep-pocketed Cubs into the World Series. Piniella could not – again — have done the same with the low-budget Rays.

Not So Modest Goal

                The headline said it all: “Pope Presses Muslims To Tolerate Christians.” Talk about setting the bar low.

                But that was the case Pope Benedict XVI was making to Mustafa Ceric, the head of the Bosnia Islamic Community, at a recent Catholic-Muslim forum in Vatican City.

                However modest such a goal of mere tolerance might be in so many other contexts, it doesn’t apply here. Certainly not, for example, in Saudi Arabia, which is home to Islam’s holiest cities and shrines. In Saudi Arabia non-Muslims still can’t worship in public, Christian symbols such as crosses still can’t be openly displayed and Muslims who convert still face death.

                No, mere tolerance of Christians is no modest goal in Saudi Arabia. Nor yet attainable, it still seems.

Winning Combo

                Much has been made of Kevin Beckner’s County Commission win over GOP incumbent Brian Blair. And rightly so. Imagine running as an openly gay candidate in a county hardly known as a bastion of progressive, social activism. His win was historic.

                While Blair, a ham-handed caricature of Hillsborough conservatives, ran an unimpressive campaign that ignored numerous forums, Beckner stuck to a game plan that was unrelenting in its use of any and all vehicles, including the Internet. He mobilized young volunteers and early on earned the backing of key Democratic operatives, who liked his financial-planner background and signed on to his environmental, smart-growth, affordable housing and mass transit agenda.

                But don’t forget Beckner’s campaign manager, Mitch Kates. He’s the one who helped Mary Mulhern take out City Council incumbent Shawn Harrison. Kates knows it takes more than a noble cause to win. He plays for keeps – and it showed.

They Are What They Are: Irritating Expressions

“With all due respect.”

When, quite candidly, was the last time that phrase ever preceded anything remotely respectful? It’s a rhetorical staple on political talk shows – and a predictable presidential press conference preface to a skewering query.

“With all due respect, Mr. President, haven’t you left your successor with a colossal mess – virtually all of it the fault of your Administration?”

“With all due respect, Mr. President-Elect, isn’t the presidency and the crucible that is Oval Office decision-making still a bit presumptuous for someone with no executive experience?”

It’s one of those consummately annoying phrases: in this case faux deference that is as disingenuous as it is trite.

And there are, of course, many other such exasperating expressions that strike discordant notes – ranging from the hackneyed to the redundant to the ungrammatical – in all of us. They come at us from the workplace (“bottom line”), the battlefield (“surgical strike”), politics (“faith-based,” “grass roots,” “Joe Six Pack”) and popular culture (“like, you know, awesome”).

In fact, they are the subject of a list recently compiled by researchers at Oxford University. Here’s Oxford’s top ten most irritating utterances:

1 – At the end of the day

2 – Fairly unique

3 – I personally

4 – At this moment in time

5 – With all due respect

6 – Absolutely

7 – It’s a nightmare

8 – Shouldn’t of

9 – 24/7

             10 – It’s not rocket science

                And in no particular order, here is the O’Neill Supplementary List. Chances are some of your favorite phrases for phasing out are on it too. Some have political connotations. Some are just pop-culture verbal crutches. Some already give cliché a bad name. Others are disrespectful or just dumb.

                *How about a sports-context moratorium on all references to “swagger,” “hero” and “warrior”? Whether by players, coaches or media types.

                Surely, the intent is not to speak approvingly of boorish, arrogant attitudes and antics. Nor can there be intent to show disrespect to real “heroes” and “warriors” – especially during a time of war – by ascribing qualities of genuine courage to those who merely play games. Surely.

                And don’t forget “blue collar,” stock, racial shorthand in the sports arena. To wit: “He (white athlete) is one of those ‘blue collar’ players. He won’t beat you with his athleticism, but he’s like a coach on the field. He gets the most out of his (melanin-challenged) ability.”

                “The Man Upstairs.” Has always seemed a bit too colloquial for The Creator. Worse yet is its frequent athletic context. As in: “I want to thank ‘The Man Upstairs’ for helping us win this game.” Sacrilegiously presumes skewed earthly priorities for The Deity.

                * “Walk the walk, talk the talk.” Bring back “talk is cheap” if you must truly traffic in the trite.

                * “Star.” Ideally, for celestial references only. Entertainment celebrities are not “stars,” although many do inhabit their own universe.

                * “Rock star.” If we must, but beware (‘like a rock star’) simile abuse. Unless, of course, the popularity of a politician is, indeed, that superficial.

                * “Sliced bread.” As in: “best thing since…”  Once worked as an up-dated successor to “the invention of the wheel.” The “weed-whacker” or “casual Fridays” would be an improvement now.

                * “Toast.” It is now metaphorical toast.

                * “Awesome.” This deserves stand-alone status. Remember when it referred to wonder (or literal “awe”) inspired by something sublime or maybe majestic. Perhaps a Grand Canyon sunset. No more. Mundane rules. As in: “Hey, you just did two chin-ups. ‘Awesome.’” Or: “Hey, are those sweatpants new? ‘Awesome.’” Or: “You scored tickets for the 50-Cent concert! ‘Awesome.’”

                * “Reality TV.” Even though everyone is well aware they are being filmed and there are working scripts, this really is ‘reality.’ Only on TV.

                * “Whatever.” Shibboleth for edgy, contemporary non-commitment. As in:

                Q: “Son, your mother and I would like you to be on time for Christmas dinner, at least acknowledge your grandparents, refrain from commentary that only references that which ‘sucks,’ defer any more piercings until after the holidays and save that rapper ensemble for non-family occasions.”

                A: “Whatever.”

*“Bottom line.” Give it back to the CPA’s. At the end of the day, if not sooner.

               * “You Guys.” Informal and non-sexist, it works in most contexts. But not in this one: “Good evening, my name is Paul, I’ll be your server, and welcome to Jean Claude’s, home of romantic, continental, fine dining. So, what can I start ‘you guys’ off with?”

                * “Rap artist.” Unless you actually intend it as an oxymoron example.

                * “Role model.”  Athletes shouldn’t count. Some, in fact, can’t.

                * “Ethnocentric.” Relativist, non-judgmental, cultural catch-all from Anthropology 101. Unfortunately, it doesn’t leave wiggle room for that which is absolutely wrong – say, genital mutilation or downright evil acts in the name of religion. Sorry, not all cultures are equal.

                * “Profiling.” As in: “I don’t care that it may be a function of common sense, national security and statistical relevance. Racial, ethnic or religious profiling is always wrong…OK, who’s next for a random search? Do you really need that wheel chair?”

                * “The will of God.” Mantra of the ultimate, theological insider.  Even God, presumably, would find this faith-based phrase a tad presumptuous.

                * “Been there, done that.” Still, alas, has some shelf life. Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done. No one cares. Even if you did get the T-shirt.

                * “Diss.” Show some respect for the language. It’s not a word – but do keep it as a syllable.

                * “Duhhh.” Ditto.

                * “HELL-ooo.” Good byyyye to melodramatically whiny, stressed-syllable tampering.

                * “PUHH-lease.” See above. Please.

                * “No problem.” Only problematic as a response to “thank you.” Proper response is “you’re welcome.” Thank you.

                * “Close proximity,” “totally destroyed,” “general consensus.” Bring these evildoers of redundancy to justice.

                * “Notoriety.” Related, reasonably enough, to notorious. Not a synonym for “fame” – any more than notorious is a synonym for infamous.

                * “Near miss.” That would be a Mrs. Otherwise, it’s a collision.

                * “Cancelled.” Call off this spelling, especially at airports, where flights are frequently “canceled.” Sometimes it’s due to pilots still nervous after a near collision.

                * “Remains to be seen.” Doesn’t it always?

                * “It is what it is.” Indeed.

Racial Parody: Neither Professional Nor Funny

             I’m not a Mark Larsen fan, but it’s not a matter of ideological incompatibility. I just find the libertarian boilerplate specials of the WWBA-AM morning guy to be typically light fare. Besides, I prefer Oldies-or-sports-talk escape when I’m privy to a radio.

            But what was with Larsen’s black-face Webcam act the day after the presidential election? Is this a harbinger of the caricature humor ahead?  Isn’t the Internet forum enough for sophomoric racist humor?

We had, understandably and appropriately enough, “philandering” “Slick Willy.”  We have — for another two months — inarticulate and intellectually incurious “W.” And now we have, what, “Blarack?

            The election of Barack Obama, to be sure, is a tectonic change-symbol in American politics. It’s not, of course, because the president-elect is well-spoken, attractive, Democratic, charismatic and 40-something. We’ve had one of those before: Jack Kennedy. He just wasn’t as liberal.

It’s because Obama is African American — or, as we used to say, “black.”

            Even though we’ve had Colin Powell and Condi Rice, a non-white president had been uncharted parody territory for mainstream cartoonists, comedians and commentators, such as Larsen. But Obama’s blackness is fair, if challenging, game. To date, Jon Stewart, who can be smarmy and smug, has been on the money. If Obama’s not offended, why should anyone else be? None of the late-night comics has been out of line – but hardly yoked by political correctness. As it should be.

The key is for racial humor not to morph into racist rudeness and insulting stereotypes.

We know the church and state of color won’t always stay separate. That’s human nature. That’s America. That’s show biz.

Obama’s humorous “mutt” reference at his initial (president elect) press conference was as mood altering as it was self deprecating. It’s healthy — and politically astute — to laugh at yourself. And the cues to the rest of the culture are appreciated.

Too bad Larsen didn’t wait for his. Instead, he did his minstrel-era, blackface routine – in the name of proving he doesn’t play “double standards.”

In so doing, ironically, he simply proved himself devoid of the standard that matters in his business. He was neither professional – nor funny.  

The Strawberry Alarm Clocks?

Here we go again.

What should we call the new high school opening next summer near Plant City? Alas, a really good name, Plant City HS, is already taken.

 Given the association of strawberries and Plant City, there was logical sentiment for variations on a berry theme, including Strawberry Crest HS. And because the new school sits partly on land sold to Hillsborough County by the Griffin Family, there was a rationale for Osburn M. Griffin HS.

Put it this way. Why not think students first? A sense of school identity is important – and all too infrequently realized. And nothing says community like geography or indigenous trait. That’s why Apollo Beach Elementary or Turkey Creek Middle or Brandon Senior HS works better than, say, Mintz Elementary, Farnell Middle or Newsome HS.                                             

Moreover, we’re all familiar with the surname game. The living are still subject to revisionist embarrassments or modest accomplishments. The pantheon of great (deceased) Americans is limited and, well, taken. How many more Washingtons, Jeffersons and Lincolns do we want? Then the pecking order dilutes quickly to local politicians, captains of industry, school board members and those who sell land to the county for a school.

  Strawberry Crest HS?  Good choice. And a likely winner with students. The Fighting Smoothies? The Strawberry Blondes? The students would love it. That has to count for something.

Obama’s Victory: Perfect Storm Post-Mortems

           The campaign that had increasingly seemed more uncivil war than election run-up is finally behind us. But the post-mortems and Monday-morning quarterbacking are not likely to end even on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20.  

And Sarah Palin speculation, to be sure, will become a national pastime until she finally signs on with Fox News. As a result, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal will continue to look ever more competent and mature beyond his years.

            But this much should be so obvious that we shouldn’t need to dwell, baby, dwell:

            *In a change-year election, change typically trumps “experience.” And when “experience” undermines itself (see Palin, Sarah), the results should have surprised no one.

            *That an African-American can win the presidency still seems surreal. But this was the perfect political storm: given an incumbent party saddled with economic and geopolitical implosions, a presidential opponent who could only play the POW/“socialist”cards so far, a veep candidate less qualified than Tina Fey and the uncommonly charismatic candidacy that was Barack Obama’s.

            Moreover, Obama is African-American – not American-African as his subtly threatening, racial predecessors — Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton — were. He wasn’t a racial opportunist and professional provocateur.  His change agenda wasn’t based on grievance, pandering, and white guilt.

            *Enough Americans – ideology aside – were more than ready for smart and articulate.

            *“The American Dream” still resonates.

            *Regardless of who won, presidential election campaigns shouldn’t last this long or cost this much. Too much time spent on trivialization and character assassination – and too much money allocated for marketing and advertising. Neither, ultimately, is good for meaningful democracy.

            *The key game-changer was the financial meltdown. Not even the most partisan Democrat wanted that.

            *Nancy Pelosi is still obnoxious.

            *“Country First” was a disingenuous oxymoron once Palin was added to the GOP ticket. The real Faustian message: “McCain’s Last Shot At The Presidential Brass Ring First.”

            *Anyone with a frame of reference dating back to 2000 knew the day McCain shared a Liberty University stage with Jerry Falwell, “an agent of intolerance,” his real “maverick” days were over. Now there’s only James Garner.

            *Most elections are still won in the middle – even such a bizarrely polarizing one as this. Palin never gave McCain a puncher’s chance at this decisive demographic.

            *Joe Biden will be a much better vice president than vice presidential candidate. His liaison work with Congress will be critical – and his across-the-aisle mettle will be tested early. Mark these words.

            *McCain was gracious in defeat. No integrity bypass.

            *Obama has a shot at coming to grips with a transcendent, global issue that impacts everything from America’s security to economy. From national defense to free trade agreements. From energy independence to green-planet cooperation.

Where exactly does the U.S. fit in this world, the only one we have? How do we again become the force for good that has long been our destiny? He has a shot at hitting the re-set button internationally.

Why not work with our allies and negotiate with our adversaries? Can’t we be strong – without being arrogantly unilateralist? Must it be a sign of weakness if others like us again?

It’s called enlightened self interest. To reiterate, Obama has a shot.

            McCain had no shot.

            Now on to those likely Obama cabinet picks…